You have a baguette for a chin and a nose like the Eiffel tower

I love the French. Or, to be entirely truthful, I love French food.

Dive into gritty Degraves Street, Melbourne and you can transport yourself back to Paris thanks to Waffle On.

This hole-in-the-wall sells baguettes the way they should be sold: fresh with slathers of delicious butter and winnning combinations of filling.

I visited it for the first time last week and was careful to line up patiently, and clearly enunciate my order: ''Two orders of Le Fermier and one order of Le Normandy please, merci.''

While I wait, the French managers insult the customers. One bloke says he'll take the number 4 baguette (butter, chicken, mayo, lettuce and tomato) but with ham instead. The woman behind the counter is confused: ''So you want zee chicken and zee ham, or just zee ham?"

"Nah, just the ham.''

The man behind the counter pulls a face. "You can have zat, but it vill be de-gusting!"